“…….”
Though his face was cast in shadow, making it impossible to see his features, there was no mistaking who it was. The tall stature, the lopsided posture, and the overwhelming pressure that seemed to bear down on her even from a distance. It was Curtis, who had traveled from his distant territory to this place just yesterday, the very day the last child was declared fully recovered. He had come to warn her to keep her promise.
Roxana bit the inside of her cheek and turned her head away, only for Sister Elin to pull her into an embrace.
“Sister Roxana! Do you have any idea how worried we were?”
“Sister….”
“How could you just leave so recklessly? Think of those you left behind. I don’t mind saying it now, but we haven’t been able to close our eyes all night, what with nursing the children and praying for you.”
“I’m sorry for causing you such worry.”
Though it sounded like a scolding, it was a complaint laced with affection and concern. Roxana felt a warmth spread deep in her chest and offered a faint smile. Sister Anna, who had been watching the two, subtly stepped in.
“Sister Elin. There’s no need to say things that don’t need to be said. Think of how much Sister Roxana must have suffered herself.”
“Sister Anna.”
“Thank you for returning safely. Even if I am a bit late in saying so.”
“It was thanks to all of you that I was able to return.”
Only after finishing her embrace with Sister Anna did it become Mother Maria’s turn. The Mother Superior gently brushed Roxana’s cheek and softly dismissed the others.
“I believe Sister Anna and Sister Elin have work to attend to.”
At those words, the two sisters departed, and the atmosphere, which had been filled with relief and joy, turned solemn. Under the Mother Superior’s affectionate gaze, which seemed to pierce through to her heart, Roxana suddenly felt as if the Mother Superior knew everything.
“Do you know why I taught you basic doctrine and biblical theology, yet opposed your taking of Perpetual Vows, Sister Roxana?”
“……I don’t know.”
It was a question she had carried for the past two years. The Mother Superior, who had always dismissed it by saying she was still too young, was finally about to reveal the reason. Roxana swallowed hard.
“You are a person who inspires greed, Roxana. You are intelligent, courageous, and proud; you sacrifice nothing for your own sake, yet you dedicate your body and soul to others.”
“Mother Superior….”
“My heart wants to keep you here, but you have the right and the duty to see, feel, and experience a greater world. Things that you could never experience or know in this closed-off world.”
Every word was imbued with sincerity and kindness. Feeling the heat rise in her eyes, Roxana listened intently to the Mother Superior. The Mother Superior smiled, her wrinkled eyes crinkling, as she took Roxana’s hands and patted the backs of them.
“I heard everything this morning. Pack your bags and leave for the Marquess of Russell’s castle right now. You don’t need to say your goodbyes.”
“But.”
“Farewells between family are unnecessary.”
Cutting off Roxana’s protest, the Mother Superior looked in the direction where Curtis had been standing just moments before.
“Please, save Frey. I will do anything in return.”
“I will become a mercenary. I wouldn’t have gone to heaven anyway.”
“I will bring back the daughter of the sinner, the Marquess of Dalton. If she causes the sisters any harm or acts out of line, report it to me immediately. However, keep it a secret that I stayed here.”
He was a boy who, after losing everything, had come with a tattered body and a blind sister to beg for help. He had crawled up from the bottom of hell and grasped even more than that, yet he had been forced to lose things far more precious than what he had gained.
“The Marquess has arrived.”
At the mention of his name, Roxana’s eyes wavered. Seeing this, Mother Maria gave a bitter smile. The daughter of a sinner.
Ever since he had left Roxana at the convent after faking her death, Curtis had occasionally sent letters to check if she was still alive. He likely didn’t intend to keep her at the Marquess of Russell’s castle out of the goodness of his heart. Yet, there was only one reason she pushed her forward, knowing full well that the road ahead would be treacherous: the irony that these two people, standing at opposite poles, were as alike as a reflection in a mirror.
“Keep one thing in mind, Roxana. You are always welcome to run back here. This place is your home. I am your mother, and Sister Elin and Sister Anna are your sisters.”
“Mother Superior!”
Tears falling, Roxana clung to the Mother Superior like a child.
“The weight of my sins is too heavy. I try to push through and hold myself up, but it’s so difficult. I feel as though I’ve barely escaped a swamp, only to find an endless wasteland waiting for me.”
She had tried to hold it in, but her voice hitched like the tears that had finally burst forth. Being held in an embrace as comforting as a mother’s brought the past flooding back. The days she had spent crushed by guilt, unable to properly rebel against her father’s tyranny.
She was hated for being the daughter of the Marquess of Dalton and despised by her fiancé. She had nearly been strangled to death by the butler who had been with her for so long. Every time she fell, she rose again, but she was covered in scars. The hardest she had ever fallen was when she heard the reason why Frey had gone blind. The weight of sins she could neither escape nor shed pressed down upon her.
“Poor, dear Roxana.”
The Mother Superior pulled Roxana’s trembling shoulders into her arms. Her gentle hand stroked the red hair.
“When you feel as though you are standing on the edge of a cliff, remember that there is someone beneath that cliff looking up at you.”
Roxana looked up at the cryptic words. But there was nothing more said.
* * *
The inside of the carriage was so quiet it was suffocating. In the space where they sat face-to-face, Curtis said nothing, and Roxana’s fatigue-heavy eyelids kept fluttering shut.
“Roxana.”
In the silence, Roxana heard a voice she missed dearly. It was her mother, as she remembered her from her childhood. It was something she had repeated over and over while braiding her red hair.
“No matter the situation, no matter who it is, you must show mercy and tolerance if it is needed. That is how the world turns, and that is how it must turn.”
“What if I simply cannot? What if I hate them so much that I don’t want to understand?”
Sobbing, Roxana had looked at her mother through the mirror. It was the day her father had taken away the rabbit she had been raising. The day she had buried its cold, lifeless body and held her mother with a face ruined by tears.
“My lovely Roxana.”
Her mother, as if she understood, hugged her young daughter tightly and kissed the top of her head.
“Try to take a step back and look at that person differently.”
“Differently?”
“There is no one without a story. No one is born evil. If you try to understand them from their perspective, you will realize.”
It was something she hadn’t understood at the time. It was the same now; she still didn’t fully understand it.
The moment those words overlapped with the Mother Superior’s, the carriage, which had been moving smoothly, came to a halt with a jolt.
At the same time, Roxana opened her eyes. Curtis, who had been looking out the window with his long legs crossed, glanced at her before opening the carriage door. Just then, Greg, who had been escorting them on horseback, approached.
“The carriage wheel has fallen into a rut. I believe you will need to step out for a moment.”
With a small sigh, Curtis exited the carriage. While he had descended easily, the carriage step was high, and it was not easy for a woman in a long skirt to get down without help. Especially when her hands were bound.
While a flustered Roxana hesitated, Curtis, who had been watching, held out his hand. Roxana froze at the unexpected assistance. When she hesitated, Curtis raised an eyebrow.
At the silent urging, Roxana bit her lip and finally placed her hand in his.
She had felt it before, but it was a large, rough hand, calloused and worn. It was not the hand of a wealthy lord who ruled a vast territory, but the hand of a knight who had fought on the front lines for a long time.
When his hand enveloped hers, the skin where they touched felt searingly hot. Yet, it was for such a short time that she thought it might have been an illusion. Before Roxana could even feel that something was amiss, Curtis withdrew his hand and gestured toward the corner.
“I need to push the carriage from behind, so stand aside so you don’t get in the way.”
Roxana nodded and stepped back in the direction he pointed. Curtis, having briefly unhitched the horses, pushed the carriage along with Greg and the coachman. Roxana was reminded of her father, who, in a similar situation, would have stood with his hands behind his back, indifferent to whether his servants were sitting in the mud or not. Most nobles were likely the same. In comparison, Curtis was an anomaly.
While Roxana watched him with wonder, a rustling sound came from the bushes, and a deer darted across the path. Startled, the horses grew agitated and reared up.
At the sound of their whinnying, Roxana instinctively stumbled backward, tripped, and fell. Curtis, who had just managed to pry the wheel from the rut, whipped his head around.
“Roxana!”
It was the first time he had called her name properly. Before she could even process that, Curtis approached and checked her condition. After assessing her with hawk-like eyes, he let out a sigh of relief.
“Fortunately, your ankle is fine.”
It was unexpected. Roxana looked up at him with wide eyes.
“Thank yo….”
Before she could finish her thanks, Curtis grabbed her under both arms and hauled her to her feet. As soon as Roxana stood unsteadily, he pulled a dagger from his coat and swung it.
Roxana reflexively squeezed her eyes shut at the incoming blade. Curtis, pausing for a moment at her reaction, cut the rope binding her wrists. He leaned down and whispered into the ear of a bewildered Roxana.
“Since you have a collar, you won’t be needing these.”
Startled, Roxana hurriedly covered her neck. Ignoring her glare, Curtis didn’t even scoff as he climbed back into the carriage.
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