The distant sound of birdsong. The scent of dried herbs brushing against the tip of her nose. The sensation of soft fabric pleasantly enveloping her body. Anastasia opened her eyes slowly, feeling a comfort she had never known before.
The moment she saw the dazzling sunlight, Anastasia squeezed her eyes shut again. Why was there so much sunlight….
‘Sunlight?’
That couldn’t be. In her room, the only sunlight came from a single beam through a hole. It had never been this bright, enough to make her eyes ache.
‘Am I outside?’
But she heard no wind, nor the sound of insects. Besides, there was no way it could be this comfortable and soft outside. She had built a makeshift bed in the chapel by gathering fallen leaves and covering them with old rags, but it hadn’t been this cozy. If so, where was she?
Anastasia carefully opened her eyes again. As she grew accustomed to the light, the blurry shapes sharpened. What met her eyes was a painting rendered in beautiful colors. Even without an explanation, she knew what it depicted: a large tree in the middle of a flower garden, bearing red fruit, and beneath it, naked people laughing happily as they shared the harvest. It was a painting of Paradise. And so, Anastasia smiled.
‘I must be in Paradise.’
Perhaps it was painted for those who, like her, did not know where they were. If so, Paradise was truly a kind place. If it had been written in words, those who could not read, like her, would never have known where they were.
‘Then… am I dead?’
Was that why she had come to such a wonderful place? Why had God not led her here sooner? If she had known she would come to a place like this after death, she would have ended her life long ago….
‘No. They said those who take their own lives cannot go to Paradise.’
Resentment toward God welled up within her. Why had He set such a law? Even if humans were born with sin, why must they endure such hardship and suffering just to reach this place….
Feeling her vision blurring, Anastasia shook her head. No. To harbor resentment toward God the moment she arrived in Paradise? How could she hold such an irreverent heart toward the being who had brought her here?
Anastasia reached out to her side. She wanted to look around this place as soon as possible. That was when her hand caught something.
“…A book?”
A book was lying beside her. Anastasia was moved even more deeply. Paradise was a place that provided everything she desired.
Fumbling to grasp the book, Anastasia pulled it to her chest. She still could not read the letters on the cover. Just as she felt dejected that she remained illiterate even in Paradise, she noticed bandages wrapped around the fingers that held the book. Bandages? Why were these here….
At that moment, a flood of memories rushed into her mind.
***
It was night when she had left the basement. She had torn her oversized clothes to bandage her injured foot and put on the only shoe she had left. Fortunately, no one else visited the basement, so she hadn’t encountered anyone while passing through the hallway. She just needed to go up the servants’ stairs and slip out of the manor….
*Gulp.*
The smell of food wafting from the kitchen caught her. Even though she knew she shouldn’t, her body moved toward the kitchen of its own accord. Anastasia hid behind a corner and watched. Everyone was moving busily, preparing food. Once the head cook placed the dishes on trays, the maids carried them upstairs.
The moment the greasy scent drifted past the departing maids, her jaw throbbed with a dull ache, and her mouth watered. Her throat was so stiff that even swallowing her own saliva was a struggle.
Usually, she would have just smelled it and walked on, but today, for some reason, she couldn’t easily pull her feet away.
Anastasia’s gaze turned to the food in the servant’s hands. It was food she had never seen in the kitchen before. Clearly, it was something fine, meant for a guest.
‘I want to eat.’
As she muttered to herself, Anastasia clenched her hand tightly. The shard of the bowl she hadn’t been able to remove dug into her, sending a jolt of pain that traveled up her body and numbed her brain.
‘It’s all a sin.’
The seven sins of man. Was gluttony not one of them? It was what her father had told her repeatedly when she was young, never letting her eat more than a single potato. He said that finding joy in eating was a sin. So, even when she wanted more, she had kept suppressing it. But… why did everyone else… commit sins….
A sorrow deeper than her hunger washed over her. Anastasia squeezed her fingers again. A sharper pain flared, and she was finally able to turn her gaze away.
After waiting a moment, the servants headed upstairs in a group. As those remaining in the kitchen became absorbed in their work, Anastasia used the opportunity to climb the servants’ stairs. Fortunately, the door leading to the garden was wide open. Anastasia stepped into the darkness, as familiar to her as the one in her room.
*Squelch.*
Her shoe made a wet sound. It must have been soaked in blood.
Anastasia wanted to reach the forest quickly. Even though she feared the forest in the dark, she felt she shouldn’t stay in the glittering, beautiful, and abundant manor. She felt that if she did, she would surely commit a sin….
Though that was what she thought, perhaps it was actually the hunger rising to her throat. That was why Anastasia made a choice different from her usual routine. She decided to cut across the garden to the forest instead of taking the long way around the road. That way, she could reach the forest much faster.
But halfway through the garden, Anastasia regretted her choice. She had thought there would be no one in the garden at night, but suddenly, people carrying lamps emerged from the direction of the manor.
Her heart began to race wildly. She wanted to get away quickly, but she feared that moving would make noise and lead to her discovery, so Anastasia chose to crouch down. That was something she was more skilled at.
Pressed against a low hedge, Anastasia desperately sought God.
*Oh God, please.*
The sound of footsteps made her mind go blank. As the sounds drew closer, she sought God even more frantically. Her face, pressed flat against the ground, felt hot. The sound of her sweat dripping onto the grass sounded like thunder.
‘I was wrong.’
I coveted food. I couldn’t stay in my room and dared to come to the garden. I was wrong. So please….
As she prayed to God, Anastasia’s throat choked up again. She was just sad. Why did she always have to be the one begging? Why could she never be proud, even once? Everyone else lived their lives committing sins out of greed, so why was she the only one… so miserable….
Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t have dared to think such things, but her fever-addled, delirious mind and the encroaching terror were eating away at her consciousness. The light and the footsteps drew closer. It was as if they were coming directly to catch her. And so, Anastasia made another wrong choice. She stood up and began to run.
Then, a scream followed, and the sound of rapid footsteps chasing her echoed. She wanted to scream, but her throat couldn’t even manage a proper breath. The approaching footsteps sounded like the beast of Purgatory coming for her. The beast that, once it caught its prey, would drag it to the deepest depths no matter what.
The moment she was caught, Anastasia prayed. To the Countess who had given her orders. To the God who was watching her. And to the beast that held her.
Footsteps, voices, pain. As everything became too much to bear, Anastasia thought as her consciousness faded.
*It’s too hard….*
***
“Ah….”
Once she recalled the last of her memories, Anastasia’s face turned deathly pale. She hurriedly looked around. She saw familiarity in the place she had thought was Paradise. The ornate ceiling she had seen on the rare occasions she was called into the manor. The familiar color of the wallpaper. And the door. This was the Edenhurst manor.
‘Why….’
If so, she should have been thrown back into her basement room, so why was she in such a luxurious place? While Anastasia was bewildered, the door opened, and strangers entered.
“Are you really planning to stay here longer… oh? You’re awake. Are you alright?”
At the man’s voice, Anastasia recoiled in terror. Even so, her hands clutched the book she had been holding to her chest. She wanted to run away, but because her body wouldn’t move properly, she could only huddle in place.
Perhaps surprised by her reaction, the approaching footsteps stopped. But soon, heavy footsteps drew closer. Just as Anastasia was contemplating whether to pull the blanket over her head, she moved her hand cautiously.
“That is the book I was reading.”
“……?”
At the unexpected words, Anastasia couldn’t help but look up. And she met a deep, dark blue. It was a color she remembered. The eyes she had seen in the forest, the ones she had thought were as beautiful as Edenhurst. The ones she had been so afraid of that she had run away, the ones she thought she would never see again….
Anastasia stared at him blankly, not even realizing that the man had leaned down to meet her gaze. The man, his face now close enough to touch, said:
“Will you return it? I haven’t finished reading it yet.”
He took the book from Anastasia’s arms and whispered:
“It was quite interesting, you see.”
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